EDICT FORTY-FOUR:
"Piezometers for all"

It's a bit of a DOWNER when you wake up in the morning and say to yourself:

"Jeez, it'd be great to have a handy tool lying around that would help me determine the pressure in any given liquid-filled pipe by inserting the tool into said pipe and measuring the height to which liquid rises, then calculating pressure using the simple formula P1=pgh. But alas, I do not."

BUMMER, huh? Well, NO WORRIES, kid! Once I'm TOP OF THE GLOBAL POPS, EVERYONE will be issued their very own PIEZOMETER at birth! Training classes will be given in KINDERGARTENS and ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS, with REMEDIAL COURSES for those who missed it the first time 'round. Using a CALCULATOR, SLIDE RULE and the POWER OF YOUR LAUGHABLY SMALL MINDS, you will be able to figure out the pressure in ANY water- or gas-filled pipe, lickety-split!

PAY TRIBUTE TO THE PIEZOMETER! THE PIEZOMETER IS YOUR PAL!

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

EDICT FORTY-THREE:
"Good Sportsmanship"

So you think SHOOTING UNAWARE ANIMALS from HUNDREDS OF YARDS AWAY with a HIGH-POWERED RIFLE is SPORTSMANSHIP, do you? Whoop! GUESS WHAT? Hunting will STILL BE PERMITTED under my BENEVOLENT and MERCIFUL REIGN.

That's right, all you BEER-SWILLING WEEKEND WARRIOR DICKHEADS will still be able to MOSEY INTO THE WOODS and KILL THINGS to get your LITTLE ROCKS OFF. You can still get your JOLLIES by TERMINATING things that aren't as SMART or TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED as you.

Oh. Almost forgot. NO WEAPONS. If you want to go out there and WHACK A GRIZZLY, you're gonna have to do it with ONLY THE TOOLS GOD GAVE YA. If you want to POP A FEW DEER IN THE HEAD, you'll have to BEAT THEIR BRAINS OUT WITH YOUR KNUCKLES WHILE IT KICKS THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, because that's how it's going to BE.

It's RETROACTIVE, too. If you've ever SHOT A BLACK BEAR from SIX HUNDRED FEET AWAY, you can expect to be MEETING ITS BROTHER in a STEEL CAGE while BARE-ASS NAKED in pretty short order. While I LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH.

There is another option, of course. If you REALLY want to use your guns, you can. But I'll be offering a SIX MILLION DOLLAR BOUNTY on your head for the entire time you're in the woods. And flying in a few NAVY SEALS ON ACID to make things INTERESTING. Stop your WHINING. You'll still be better off than the animals you've been shooting in their LIVING ROOMS.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

EDICT FORTY-TWO:
"Rasslin' Names"

ATTENTION, MUD-SWILLING PEONS! Tired of being named DEBRA HOWALSH, LAWRENCE ILOTTEN, BRUCE WANG or MARK WALTERS? Fear not! SALVATION IS AT HAND!

For when you have CARRIED MY BRAIN THROUGH THE SACRED TUNNELS and WIRED MY CONSCIOUSNESS into the GIANT MASONIC MACHINES THAT CONTROL CONTINENTAL DRIFT, all of you citizens of PLANET YOURS TRULY will be given the MANDATORY NON-OPTIONAL FREEDOM to, upon maturity, choose your own RASSLIN' NAME.

A "Rasslin' Name," for the WOEFULLY UNDEREDUCATED, is a pseudonym one uses in moments of great drama and hyperbole, such as perhaps when HITTING A BURLY MAN IN TIGHTS OVER THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A FOLDING ALUMINUM CHAIR. Among other things.

Imagine going to your MUNDANE DRONE JOB and instead of being greeted with "Hi, Mitch" and "Hey, Mitch", this alternative: KICKING THE DOOR DOWN and LEAPING INTO THE ROOM wearing either GARISH FACE PAINT or a FACE-HUGGING DEVIL MASK screaming "MITCH THA MANGLA IN THA HOUUUSE!" Wouldn't that add a bit of much-needed JE NE SAIS QUOI to your GREY and DRAB days? Especially when you get to spend your lunch break facing off with SPINE-RIPPER SCHLOBOSKI in the STEEL CAGE down by RECEIVING.

RASSLIN' NAMES FOR ALL and if you don't pick your own, one will be ASSIGNED to you. Don't worry. I pick GOOD ones.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

EDICT FORTY-ONE:
"The Funny Law"

I'm SICK AND TIRED of this EVIDENCE- and FACT-BASED LEGAL SYSTEM that just keeps CLOGGING THINGS UP. Not that it doesn't have its uses, but when I am CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE UNIVERSE and all y'all are FILE CLERKS in the GALACTIC DEPARTMENT OF LITTER MANAGEMENT, there's gonna be at least ONE change made.

THE FUNNY LAW.

Whatever paragraph and subsection of whatever document it may be, it will be an overarching question with a meta-effect across the board. The question is simple:

"BUT WAS IT FUNNY?"

and a YES can absolve almost ANY crime! You can see the applications immediately. While nudging a bus full of nuns off the road is BAD and should be PUNISHED, nudging a bus full of nuns off the road and INTO A NUDIST CAMP is FUNNY. Or at least it COULD be.

Since funny is SUBJECTIVE, this law will be a DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD. But sometimes swords are FUNNY.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.